Sometimes I think about how I got here in the present, with successes and failures accompanying me along the way. The road after high school seemed all uphill. I was in a world of my own, a bubble of happiness and light-heartedness, regardless of the future as an adult that awaited me soon after.
There was a bit of fear as I began to think incessantly about the things I wanted to do but with the awareness that they were unattainable at that moment.
I was worried, but still, I had to let go, enjoying my youth like a butterfly, ready to take flight under a clear sky. When I first started University, I was so happy, with a great desire to learn, but over time, it became more and more stressful and heavy.
«Ah, this is the sense of responsibility.»
I understood in an instant. Years of depression, crying and accumulated stress have made me lose myself.
«What am I doing with my life?»
«Why can’t I go on?»
These questions coexisted in my head by now. Until one day, taken by an anxiety attack, I decided that if I couldn’t stop these feelings of anger, despair and exasperation, someone else would. Asking for professional help saved me from that dark and uncertain time. It helped me to see the colours of my personality once again.
They weren’t the same as when I was a teenager, but they were more mature, concrete and solid, and full of hope. My eyes sparkled again. Reconnecting with myself was a big step, but creating a new life from scratch was even more so.
I decided to work to achieve my goals. I’ve learned that I don’t have to blame myself if I have yet to figure out what to do with my life. No matter the age, my path is mine alone.
I can take as long as I want because I create my destiny.
I understood that growing up meant walking at my own pace, meeting obstacles and facing them once and for all. The satisfaction gave me the energy to continue on my journey. The further I go, the more I realize that the road will only be uphill if I see it that way. When I realized that I could build a downhill road with my hands, joy would have rewarded all the efforts made up to that point.
Growing up and getting old is fine. It shows how many experiences I’ve had throughout my life. I can’t always be happy or active, but I can create my den of comfort when I feel the need.
Today I’m happy, I still have goals that are important for me to achieve, but that doesn’t stop me from being more carefree even with responsibilities. I love this life and can’t wait to find what the future holds for me.
Author – Denise Ledda
2 responses to “Growing Up And Getting Older – A Diary”
Great piece, Denise! The questions and doubts never stop with aging, they change with time, but always there.
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Thank you! I agree, after all, we’re humans, but that’s the beauty too!
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